So this week we met Miley Cyrus's grown-up adult tongue. The former Disney star who captured our hearts (and had us all fooled - as I understand the format of the show to be?) as Hannah Montana knew it would take more than a pixie crop to show us she was 20 now. And so she trod that path many a Disney star has trodden in a bid to shed her Micky Mouse ears and did stuff on the VMA stage that Daisy Duck only does in private. The Mouseketeers started it, but we can't all snog Madonna on stage (stars, they're just like us!) to show we're grown-ups now. So, in sympathy with Miley et al's struggle we have come up with some ideas on how to shed your child star image...
Ladies, you can join but you can't park. Image: Astral Media
Former Tory Janice Atkinson is one of the former party members who have defected to UKIP due to clashing with Cameron on Europe. Recently, in light of other UKIP members making comments that some might view as...problematic Atkinson has spoken out in the Times about why, apart from European matters, she joined UKIP.
Writing in the Yorkshire Post on why she defected from the Tories in 2011, missing their Manchester conference Atikinson noted: "I won't get to attend many of the fringe events that represent the real Conservative Party and I will miss having a drink with my friends but apart from that, no. It was much more fun in Eastbourne with Nigel Farage and co."
The family Smith react
It's been a while since I watched MTV. For one thing I don't have it and for another I am that person in your office who pauses before saying smugly "oh, I don't have a TV" (before you put together some kind of Just Giving account for me I do now, for the first time mind, have a TV). I haven't been interested in the VMAs since the days of the Britney snake routine.
This year is different. Because *N Sync reunited, right? Nope. It seems the VMAs were not viewed as a night of harmless pop music self congratulation. Nor was it the plunging necklines, cosmetic surgeries (did they or didn't they? We must know!) or nip slips. It was Miley Cyrus's twerk-ridden performance and cultural appropriation that has got many people going.
Last week a documentary aired called Mad About One Direction. It featured some of the lengths teenage fans go to today to meet their idols. Waiting for hours outside hotels and venues, recording Nando's intake and monitoring the band's Twitter activity take up much of a hardcore fan's day. One Directioner announced she would chop off her arm should the band instruct her to do so. While we wouldn't threaten the selection below with self-mutilation we were young once and might still hang around on a drizzly day outside their hotel. Here are our teenage crushes...
Sex ed the ol' fashioned way. Image:BiblioArchives
I think most people have some incident in their lives they think about with a sense of regret or guilt. I have moments where I realise in retrospect I missed an opportunity. But my moment that brings guilt - a feeling I don't usually experience - happened in year 10 at my Roman Catholic secondary school. I remember it like it was yesterday. Our head of year came into our classroom to speak to us about how totes approachable the staff were (we might have been having some special PSHE class approaching) about anything.
ANYTHING. If we had any worries or troubles we were to speak to them. Sounds good right? No matter how liberal your parents or guardians might be there are some things you just can't tell the person who used to change your nappies and read you bed time stories during your days of clear skin and comfort in your body. A teacher you respect is a good candidate for a confidant.
Teenage girls are always the subject du jour. Sometimes they are newsworthy because they are the spawn of a celebrity and are looking all grown up as they display their endless legs in designer wear. They are featured unimpressively passing exams that are getting easier and easier so those A*s count for nothing. Other times they are concentrating a huge amount of ingenuity into their fandom. We stand back as they negotiate the bizarre and new world of online social media that is apparently fast becoming a life or death situation and wonder if we shouldn't put in some more guidelines on sites.
Annie Leibovitz for M&S
Ah, Marks & Spencer. Marks & Sparks. Markie Parkie's (I've heard that used once. When I was 7). M&S. It's been in the midst of an image change for some time. It is no longer the go to place for bras, Primark and Bravissimo providing that support to many now. There are a few rival places for Simply Food, when you're looking to pass slightly pappy microwaved food off as your own or have a classy picnic. Few women will do a twirl and announce "M&S!" when complimented on their outfit. They might feign wide-eyed surprise and say "M&S!" in a disbelieving tone. But in my friendship group M&S is usually only the answer to questions regarding bum-lifting tights ("your bum's looking very pert today" "M&S!") and Bureau de Change ("your exchange rate's very good" "M&S!").
I thought perhaps today we could talk about nipples. It's a nice way to start the week, right? Nipples. Everybody is (usually) born with them. They are a both fun and oddly embarrassing word to say. When people pierce them I get all squeamish because I worry for you and the integrity of your nipples. What if you catch the piercing on a zip and rip your nip? Brr.
But I don't want to talk about my concern for nipples with man made holes in them. I just spent a weekend in a field for a festival. Over the weekend occasionally the sun came out and when it did men of all ages would whip off their shirts and parade around topless. This is fine. I mean it's not fine with me, in my mind only a certain type of man pounds the streets or fields sans shirt. But socially it is fine. Toned belly, fat belly, pecs so muscular they can be made to dance at will, moobs. The sun makes it OK to let it all hang out. Man nipples ahoy.
Our favourite F1 journalist F1Kate sent us an e-mail this week informing us that we would never guess what Pamela Anderson's new job was. We did not guess. We were disappointed she wasn't going to have another go at reviving hit (not hit) show Stacked in which she plays a librarian (get it?). Maybe she has a passion for the Dewey Decimal System and is actually becoming a librarian, it is most of the Squeamish team's dream job after all, why can't it be Pammy's? But actually the former Baywatch star is now the team principal of a new team that will contest the remainder of the FIA GT Series with Vitantonio Liuzzi among its drivers.
With this title comes a lot of responsibility but we bet she will excel and be marvellous at it. Then we turned careers counsellor and started thinking about career moves we might recommend to some other celebrities out there...
Do you wear a bra? Are you wearing right now? Is it kind of cutting in at the back? Or did you notice too late that your comfy bra gives you a mega case of quadraboob? Whether you like them hoiked high or dragged a little low (everybody has a preference, I go for the former my best friend goes for the latter and sometimes we home-truth each other about it: "they're by your EARS") it's likely that your bra fitted you the first week you bought it (and, let's be honest here, wore it. Day in, day out) and since then it's been a downward (possibly literally) progression to that awful moment when you realise you have to go bra shopping again.