We are gathered here today to talk about the mass wedding at the 2014 Grammy Awards ceremony of 33 gay and straight but all in love couples, to celebrate the failure of the Defense of Marriage Act, officiated over by Queen Latifah.

The couples were also treated/subjected to Madonna singing Open Up Your Heart as they began their married lives, dressed in a kind of white cowboy groom attire.

So, we wondered, if we could choose, which celebrity would we have officiate at our weddings - The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air scored Shaft as his wedding officiant, can we top that?

Perhaps it's down to a vast improvement in acne products - meaning the spot-riddled ones are now the lesser seen of the species (or I live on the set of Hollyoaks) causing a shift in behaviour in this age bracket, but we seem to have forgotten what it is to be a teenager. Since the teen was invented we have treated them with a mixture of fear and contempt. This is probably because few of us would want to relive our teens and yet, and yet...would that we had had the wise advice we regularly dispense to our own teens back then. We'd have teened so much better! Why can't they see that? WHY?

Hey, conversation starters! Who likes those? Everybody! Everybody awkward anyway. And when it comes to pants who wouldn't love a conversation starter? Something other than "I haven't had a chance to put a wash on!" or "oh, well it's very hard to tell which way round their supposed to be when I'm rummaging through my knicker drawer in the morning". Since the end of communal changing rooms in shops the only people who are going to see your pants are healthcare professionals, beauty therapists (depending on what treatment you're getting, though all treatments seem to require you strip down to your pants; massage? PANTS, facial? PANTS, manicure? PANTS) and partners you might want your pants to say something like "No means no", or "Ask me what I like ;)."

I don't know what sizzurp is, or I didn't, thanks to the Daily Mail and Justin Bieber now I do. For those who don't the ever usefulUrban Dictionary says it is Promethazine and Codeine syrup mixed with any fruit flavoured soda and a jolly rancher - for taste. Maybe a sugary buzz. There are strict instructions for this concoction to be put in a Styrofoam cup. Not plastic, not glass, Styrofoam. Why? I don't know. But apparently if you drink this you will enjoy the sensation of "euphoria...motor skill impairment, lethargy, and extreme drowsiness." Quite the roller coaster of feelings.

Girls born today in affluent areas can expect to live to the age of 105. Their boy peers in poorer areas will be lucky to see 67, even those born in fancy places are predicted only to make a paltry 98 years. However the extra years girls have on boys might simply be filled with too many emotions and manipulative actions while listening to popular music and donning new fashions. Which sounds kind of fun but also not very self-sufficient. These women will have to rely on the whippersnapper men a generation or so below who have grown up from activity and task focused boys who enjoy achieving goals and completing physical challenges. Like changing light bulbs I expect.

It's Awards season again! We expect you, like us, to be just trembling with excitement. Who is going to win what? Who will cry the most during their speech? What is Jennifer Laurence going to wear? And will she make it up the stairs this time if needs be?

Yeah, actually it turns out we can't drum up that much interest in Awards season. It's the sameness of it all. Best actress, best actor, best screenplay yadda yadda yadda. So here are some suggestions for the Academy to have a little think about...

The answer you are supposed to give as a stranger caresses your pregnant stomach and asks you what you're hoping for is "Oh, I don't mind as long as it's healthy". This is often, I suspect, a lie. Not that you wouldn't ultimately hope the foetus will pop out healthy (the whole issue around the desire for a healthy baby, parental love and when babies are not 'healthy' is one I'm not addressing today - but I know it's problematic for some) most people are bound to have a preference. Many a misery memoir begins with 'my mother wanted a girl/boy, being a boy/girl I was a disappointment. However while it's apparently fine to touch someone's gestating belly it's not considered polite to reply with a desired sex. The most diplomatic approach, it seems to me, is to reply: "Naw, that's just a food baby".

The window of American Apparel always looks like an 80s Keep Fit (remember? Every Thursday night your mum went down the village hall and did an hour of Keep Fit in a leotard and leggings and that was OK) video still. With brightly coloured of metallic lycra stretched across mannequins buttocks and strips of material that could be a headband or a skirt you're not sure. Well, it's yet to be covered on BBC Radio 4's flagship programme Today but in addition to the visible nipples and big glasses adults don't wear any more, American Apparel have continued with the nostalgic nudity and whacked merkins down their mannequins be-leotarded crotches and everybody is talking about it.

Hey everybody, this is a feminism party and everybody's invited! Accept you. Oh and it appears feminism is holding this party all wrong. First of all everybody knows feminists don't have parties - unless it's political party, which probably explains the lack of paper cups round here. Second of all it looks like you feminists are concentrating on all the wrong things. You should be only concerning yourselves with one thing at a time - your pretty little heads are only able to hold one cause at a time, so let's prioritise and see what Michael White says Barbara Castle would do (I'm getting WMWSBCWD on a wristband so's I can always remember and I suggest you do the same) because you are all getting over excited and hysterical. No more pop for you feminists.

You might think it's just your parents, wistfully looking in the Mothercare window whilst just letting you know that an old school acquaintance you weren't all that friendly with has had a baby, that are on womb-watch. Or maybe you think it is only newlyweds who have to bat away impatient and inappropriate comments about when they will hear the patter of tiny feet. But if you're a woman and you're childfree then the media has something to say to you and science has reminded them they've got science to back their concern about when you're going to have a baby.