Image: Hot Gossip Italia Having kind of based my writing schtick on being single and pointing out how everything seems to be designed for the smug marrieds and/or family it is probably unsurprising that I am awkward about being someone's fiancee. After nine months of not mentioning I have a boyfriend to people, I have now spent a month not mentioning I have a fiance to people. Having discussed my dislike for such terms as 'fiance/fiancee' however accurate they may be with my...fiancé (we worked on a project together once so I'm toying with the term 'collaborator' or 'my betrothed') who sensibly refers to me as his fiancee, I discovered there are many women out there who cringe at titles such as Mrs, wife and fiancee. According to journalist Nona Willis Aronowitz she and a number of other married women use a "marital code-switch".
Nona explained how on one reporting job it fell in her favour to stress that she was married, in another it suited the job to simply not disclose this information. "Marriage can be both a giant privilege and, in less tangible ways, a disadvantage. But unlike race or gender, marital status is invisible, and married people can choose to wield it or not depending on the situation."
Is this silly? Yes. However when getting a new bank account it occurred to me that my collaborator should mention his imminent marital status change as I believed it would weigh in his favour. Likewise in my leftie feminist and queer circles in which I am the first to marry I suspect keeping my status on the down low would weigh in my favour.
This is not a question of whether or not you can be feminist and/or queer if you are marrying. Every year among the 'can I be a feminist and shave' etc articles there is usually one regarding feminism and marriage. Is it possible to 'have a feminist wedding'? Well, if you chose to marry your partner and chose to be given away or not given away and and you identify as a feminist...then it's a feminist wedding. If you identify as queer then congratulations, it's a queer wedding.
Is this silly? Yes. However when getting a new bank account it occurred to me that my collaborator should mention his imminent marital status change as I believed it would weigh in his favour. Likewise in my leftie feminist and queer circles in which I am the first to marry I suspect keeping my status on the down low would weigh in my favour.
This is not a question of whether or not you can be feminist and/or queer if you are marrying. Every year among the 'can I be a feminist and shave' etc articles there is usually one regarding feminism and marriage. Is it possible to 'have a feminist wedding'? Well, if you chose to marry your partner and chose to be given away or not given away and and you identify as a feminist...then it's a feminist wedding. If you identify as queer then congratulations, it's a queer wedding.
| So what's the problem? Considering I am not being sold into marriage and I'm rather fond of my betrothed, there isn't one. I think it's how we currently read wives and women's identity in relation to others. | The image of the wife is of the ball and chain keeping her husband in check. |
Consider how disappointed the world was in George Clooney when he wed. And that's not just because of attraction. It's because that's a large part of the classic Clooney identity gone. The image of the wife is of the ball and chain keeping her husband in check.
While Daisy Buchanan argues that Kate Middleton I can't help but lean more towards Squeamish Louise and Hilary Mantel's opinion. What about Beyonce and her Mrs. Carter tour? Considering feminism seems to have a hard time accepting Beyonce alone I don't think Beyonce Carter is much closer to being a feminist champion.
A married friend of mine commented on the marital code-switch: "I love my husband but I hate being referred to or thought of as a wife. It doesn't fit with how I see myself and I don't like the assumptions that go with that word. I find myself talking about my partner - it stops those assumptions about gender and the roles we might take on within our relationship. Maybe it's just my own prejudices showing - I know plenty of progressive or polyamorous or radical people who are married - but it still makes me uncomfortable that someone might discover I'm married and think I'm conservative in any sense of that word."
All I can say is come next year the bride will probably have hairy armpits.
Squeamish Kate
While Daisy Buchanan argues that Kate Middleton I can't help but lean more towards Squeamish Louise and Hilary Mantel's opinion. What about Beyonce and her Mrs. Carter tour? Considering feminism seems to have a hard time accepting Beyonce alone I don't think Beyonce Carter is much closer to being a feminist champion.
A married friend of mine commented on the marital code-switch: "I love my husband but I hate being referred to or thought of as a wife. It doesn't fit with how I see myself and I don't like the assumptions that go with that word. I find myself talking about my partner - it stops those assumptions about gender and the roles we might take on within our relationship. Maybe it's just my own prejudices showing - I know plenty of progressive or polyamorous or radical people who are married - but it still makes me uncomfortable that someone might discover I'm married and think I'm conservative in any sense of that word."
All I can say is come next year the bride will probably have hairy armpits.
Squeamish Kate
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