Sorry. Image: Tim Green I have a friend who, having once told me saying please and thank-you were silly Victorian archaisms, spends much of her time smiling widely at those who have wronged her as she says: "sorry!" This not because she consciously puts into practise the Christian 'turn the other cheek' teaching, but rather a habit that is either used to balance out my surliness or simply to keep the peace. Even she doesn't quite know why she does it. Her drink will be spilt as she's jostled at a gig, a man will aggressively make an advance on her, someone will jump the queue she's in: "sorry!" "Sorry!" "Sorry!"
I should tell you she no longer dismisses the old P's & Q's. Nor is she much of a pushover. She is an intelligent, adult woman who makes good decisions and works hard. Well, hardish. Look she's a normal woman who I love and respect and unfortunately seems to have fallen foul of the apparently female habit of over-apologising.
I should tell you she no longer dismisses the old P's & Q's. Nor is she much of a pushover. She is an intelligent, adult woman who makes good decisions and works hard. Well, hardish. Look she's a normal woman who I love and respect and unfortunately seems to have fallen foul of the apparently female habit of over-apologising.
Writing in the Telegraph Radhika Sanghani observed that she and her women friends all found themselves constantly apologising. Sanghani found, at the Feminism in London 2013 conference a workshop called Taking Space Talking Loud: "Over-apologising among women is so prevalent that there is even a drama group dedicated to helping women become more assertive and stop saying sorry."
The workshop consisted of eye contact (gah!) elbow touching (eeks!) and saying "No, I'm not going to do that" to each other. I attended a similar workshop at the Feminist Fightback held event The S Word, a day for feminist conversation about sex and relationships education. The workshop I attended was specifically about consent. In it we had to refuse our parter's pleas to hold our hands. I wrote about it for XOJane and noted how I had been completely comfortable saying no, along with the men in the group. The other women in the group said they had found the only way saying no could feel comfortable was if they had been able to say "sorry."
The workshop consisted of eye contact (gah!) elbow touching (eeks!) and saying "No, I'm not going to do that" to each other. I attended a similar workshop at the Feminist Fightback held event The S Word, a day for feminist conversation about sex and relationships education. The workshop I attended was specifically about consent. In it we had to refuse our parter's pleas to hold our hands. I wrote about it for XOJane and noted how I had been completely comfortable saying no, along with the men in the group. The other women in the group said they had found the only way saying no could feel comfortable was if they had been able to say "sorry."
| Perhaps this is down to my surly nature - which no doubt my apologising friend feels she should balance out. However there is one subject on which I too struggle to say "no" and find myself sorrying for no good reason other than perhaps to prompt the offending person to into apologising themselves. And this is when it comes to money. | from this day forth until the end of the year you work for free! YAY! |
I am definitely not alone in this. Today is Equal Pay Day. If you are a woman reading this then it is statistically likely that, compared to your male co-workers, from this day forth until the end of the year you work for free! YAY!
According to the Guardian's Women in Leadership section: "...women working full time earn £5,000 less a year than their male colleagues, or that in their lifetime men receive nearly £150,000 extra in bonuses." It frequently comes up that women don't get equal pay simply because they don't hold out for the salary their fellow male co-workers insist upon. It appears it could simply be down to don't ask, don't get. But we are sorry, but after a lifetime of being told I want doesn't get it is hard to make the unapologetic switch.
So women, this Equal Pay Day let's not apologise, instead let's go Geldof and yell: "Give us your fucking money!" (Although, sorry, apparently he never saidthat, sorry)
Squeamish Kate
According to the Guardian's Women in Leadership section: "...women working full time earn £5,000 less a year than their male colleagues, or that in their lifetime men receive nearly £150,000 extra in bonuses." It frequently comes up that women don't get equal pay simply because they don't hold out for the salary their fellow male co-workers insist upon. It appears it could simply be down to don't ask, don't get. But we are sorry, but after a lifetime of being told I want doesn't get it is hard to make the unapologetic switch.
So women, this Equal Pay Day let's not apologise, instead let's go Geldof and yell: "Give us your fucking money!" (Although, sorry, apparently he never saidthat, sorry)
Squeamish Kate
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