All the single ladies, all the single ladies put your hands down, you must be tired. Tired of dancing merrily to Beyonce singing about being an Independent Woman, or explaining away a single status - you're too bootylicious for them all. So you aren't crazy in love, who cares? You're a survivor and you need to say no no no to all the pressure that comes with being single.
Oh you weren't feeling pressure? Were you prancing about all fancy-free eating what you want, when you want, going where you like and doing what you like? Oh good grief, oh you poor lamb hang on I'm going to do a really, really sympathetic face at you for a few moments until you grasp the severity of your situation. Then I shall refer you to the Guardian's life and style piece for single women, Single Women: how to be happy dating, or alone.
Oh you weren't feeling pressure? Were you prancing about all fancy-free eating what you want, when you want, going where you like and doing what you like? Oh good grief, oh you poor lamb hang on I'm going to do a really, really sympathetic face at you for a few moments until you grasp the severity of your situation. Then I shall refer you to the Guardian's life and style piece for single women, Single Women: how to be happy dating, or alone.
This is only for single women. Not single people. This is because single or coupled, dead or alive men have no feelings. Single women. Because everybody feels sorry for you. Which is why a small guide is here to help you, a single, cis, hetero women, it's almost like you might deserve such a guide (you don't, by the way).
These single lady tips have been put together by Zoe Strimpel, who says: "Sometimes it's hard to know how to be a neutral single woman..." This is true, so you have been divided up into age groups - hopeful to dead.
These single lady tips have been put together by Zoe Strimpel, who says: "Sometimes it's hard to know how to be a neutral single woman..." This is true, so you have been divided up into age groups - hopeful to dead.
| Ages 20-30 Now, you whipper-snappers we want you to shh about any of your dating exploits. It makes it sound as though you have a more interesting life than the couples you're regaling. Oh you aren't dating? Quit wanking. "Engage in lofty activities. When you've been burning the candle in search of romance, only to find yourself exhausted and so very tired of bad sex, try staying in to read War and Peace instead." | it's almost like you might deserve such a guide (you don't, by the way). |
Ages 30-40
Whatever you do or think we don't want you to feel a failure (you don't? Have you...considered it? Not even with all that time to yourself?). It's getting pretty late in the day though now, life-wise so get a hobby and make sure that hobby is you. Any outside interests will only draw attention to your embarrassing single status. Psychologist Cecilia d'Felice says: "When you're in a relationship it's very hard to see yourself clearly because you're constantly in response to your partner... Particularly for women who have been conditioned to be givers rather than takers...This is not an act of selfishness...It's a very important act of selfhood."
See, this isn't the beginning of spinsterhood but selfhood!
Ages 40-50
Hey there you sexy luddites, rejoice that "you're among the last generations who didn't learn about sex from internet porn." If anyone even tries to show you YouTube stop them. If you get the chance you continue to do sex just like how it was scratched into the toilet doors at school yeah?
Oh also, if you've been thinking about letting it all go now's the time: "I actually don't care. I don't have the urge to have a family, and I don't see 40 as the end of that anyway. As we grow up, our expectations of certain ages change. It's the Friends generation turning into the Sex and the City generation, moving into the Golden Girls. Life continues at all these ages."
Ages 50-60
Become a cougar and don't be anxious about it!
Ages 60 Plus
Try to ignore the fact all the men are dropping like flies on account of women tending to outlive them. Relationship counsellor Susan Quilliam wants you to face the facts: "face the fact that there are fewer men than there once were and you'll probably live longer than most of them."
If none of that was helpful here is something that might help those of all ages from Quilliam "The key thing about being single is don't be frightened. In today's world as a woman, you have huge status, you can manage on your own, you can choose to build your own life." Quite right. Apart from the status thing.
More importantly though, couples, don't be mad 'cos we haven't got a ring on it.
Squeamish Kate
Whatever you do or think we don't want you to feel a failure (you don't? Have you...considered it? Not even with all that time to yourself?). It's getting pretty late in the day though now, life-wise so get a hobby and make sure that hobby is you. Any outside interests will only draw attention to your embarrassing single status. Psychologist Cecilia d'Felice says: "When you're in a relationship it's very hard to see yourself clearly because you're constantly in response to your partner... Particularly for women who have been conditioned to be givers rather than takers...This is not an act of selfishness...It's a very important act of selfhood."
See, this isn't the beginning of spinsterhood but selfhood!
Ages 40-50
Hey there you sexy luddites, rejoice that "you're among the last generations who didn't learn about sex from internet porn." If anyone even tries to show you YouTube stop them. If you get the chance you continue to do sex just like how it was scratched into the toilet doors at school yeah?
Oh also, if you've been thinking about letting it all go now's the time: "I actually don't care. I don't have the urge to have a family, and I don't see 40 as the end of that anyway. As we grow up, our expectations of certain ages change. It's the Friends generation turning into the Sex and the City generation, moving into the Golden Girls. Life continues at all these ages."
Ages 50-60
Become a cougar and don't be anxious about it!
Ages 60 Plus
Try to ignore the fact all the men are dropping like flies on account of women tending to outlive them. Relationship counsellor Susan Quilliam wants you to face the facts: "face the fact that there are fewer men than there once were and you'll probably live longer than most of them."
If none of that was helpful here is something that might help those of all ages from Quilliam "The key thing about being single is don't be frightened. In today's world as a woman, you have huge status, you can manage on your own, you can choose to build your own life." Quite right. Apart from the status thing.
More importantly though, couples, don't be mad 'cos we haven't got a ring on it.
Squeamish Kate
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