You might have noticed we mentioned the Audiovisual Media Services Regulations 2014 yesterday. You also might have noticed that Squeamish Louise is not totally down with them because (and we quote) "these regulations will mean pornography will focus even more on traditional gender roles and male fantasy." As a site with feminist leanings and enthusiasm towards consenting adults being able to safely express themselves (like Madonna told you to) we think these regulations might need a rethink. However we do understand that once you're on a regulating rampage that regulating itch must be scratched. So we have come up with some other things we'd like to see nixed in porn...
1. When Obama won against McCain back in 2009, we had party as the votes were being counted. In order to "get us in the mood" someone brought round the Sarah Palin themed porn film Who's Nailin' Palin? I had a big old laugh when the sultry look-a-like answered the door in her glasses and suit to two men. By the time I'd stopped laughing she didn't look anything like Palin - she was naked and the guys hadn't said more than three words to her before the nailin' commenced. I think a good old natter at the start of each porno would be lovely - suspense people! Squeamish Nicola
2. Women with other women sporting long (and often sharp!) nails make me cross my legs and wince. If we are so concerned about people mimicking what they see in porn then can there please be a big public health drive to make sure fingernails are trimmed and filed before they go anywhere intimate? Squeamish Louise
3. I think the producers and directors of these films should try and bring a bit more verisimilitude to the plot. If they can't bring in a little 'will they won't they?' suspense then they could at least have everyone in more plausible costumes. The neglected wife is far more likely to open the door to the plumber wearing her pyjamas and towelling dressing gown, in cartoon character slippers. He sees through all that and makes her feel truly valued. Lovely. Squeamish Kate
4. I would censor cum-faces. No one needs to see anyone else's orgasm face, unless they've had a hand (or tongue, fnar fnar) in making it happen. F1Kate
5. I'm totally in favour of banning all porn that is bad. I just feel that they've gone for the wrong definition of bad. I want the stuff that isn't worth watching outlawed so we can have a more enjoyable viewing situation all round. If you can't be bothered to look like you are enjoying yourself while working in the entertainment industry you shouldn't be in it. Also women who have screaming orgasms the second some ugly slab of meat (seriously, why are nearly all the men in porn so damned ugly?) clumsily paws at their tits - that's not at all fake sounding. They do voice dialect coaching for acting roles, there should be dedicated teachers to show what fake real orgasm sounds like, and the appropriate timing in the scene to start it. Oh and spitting - especially in each others mouths. That's just unsanitary and uncouth. Gareth
2. Women with other women sporting long (and often sharp!) nails make me cross my legs and wince. If we are so concerned about people mimicking what they see in porn then can there please be a big public health drive to make sure fingernails are trimmed and filed before they go anywhere intimate? Squeamish Louise
3. I think the producers and directors of these films should try and bring a bit more verisimilitude to the plot. If they can't bring in a little 'will they won't they?' suspense then they could at least have everyone in more plausible costumes. The neglected wife is far more likely to open the door to the plumber wearing her pyjamas and towelling dressing gown, in cartoon character slippers. He sees through all that and makes her feel truly valued. Lovely. Squeamish Kate
4. I would censor cum-faces. No one needs to see anyone else's orgasm face, unless they've had a hand (or tongue, fnar fnar) in making it happen. F1Kate
5. I'm totally in favour of banning all porn that is bad. I just feel that they've gone for the wrong definition of bad. I want the stuff that isn't worth watching outlawed so we can have a more enjoyable viewing situation all round. If you can't be bothered to look like you are enjoying yourself while working in the entertainment industry you shouldn't be in it. Also women who have screaming orgasms the second some ugly slab of meat (seriously, why are nearly all the men in porn so damned ugly?) clumsily paws at their tits - that's not at all fake sounding. They do voice dialect coaching for acting roles, there should be dedicated teachers to show what fake real orgasm sounds like, and the appropriate timing in the scene to start it. Oh and spitting - especially in each others mouths. That's just unsanitary and uncouth. Gareth
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