The most important part of any and every sporting event is not the sports, not the alleged use of performance enhancing drugs, not the sponsors, not even the hosts - even if they appear to have questionable human rights records, but the opening ceremony. This week we saw the opening ceremony of the Commonwealth Games in Scotland (uh, we were not implying earlier that Scotland has a questionable human rights record). There was a lot of tartan, Rod Stewart and a kiss from John Barrowman. With all the drama we thought perhaps other things could benefit from an opening ceremony, here are some of our ideas...
1. One of the most pleasurable things in life is peeling off the protective plastic screen from the front of a new phone or tablet. But there should be more of a fanfare to it. I demand that the next iPhone should come in a box with a tiny firework set and a miniaturised marching band in order to properly celebrate this monumental event. Gareth
2. Sometimes when I look back at all the crappy jobs I've had to do to earn a living and then think about how I'm actually quite a nice person, I think I should give myself a pat on the back. It's not strictly an opening ceremony but I'd like one for myself. I'd have Jarvis Cocker signing about how I hated school and wasn't cool, that in my 20s I sold shoes, booze, smoothies and jewels! Then there would be a makeshift cinema with dancing Cadbury's chocolate bars and pizza slices as the audience! It would culminate in me entering the stage on the Horniman Museum's giant overstuffed taxidermy walrus as moon jellyfish fall from the sky. Welcome to my world! Squeamish Nicola
3. I would like to invite you all to the opening of an envelope. But not just any envelope, oh no. This, my friends, is special. It is a piece of post that I didn't order off the internet, which isn't unsolicited junk mail, and happens not to be a bill. It's not even a saucy postcard. No, this is a piece of history in action - a genuine letter, written by hand in ink and on paper! Sponsored by Smythsons, the opening of my envelope will feature dancing post-boxes and a tribute to Royal Mail sorting offices around the country. F1Kate
4. Every day should have an opening ceremony! A gentle dawn chorus, added to by strings and trumpets, building to a crescendo of music. Accompanied by dancers and fire-jugglers, acrobats and a parade of dogs. While someone gently lifts me into a sitting position and brings me a tray with strong black coffee, eggs and fruit which I can consume before getting to cuddle and play with the dogs...Wait. That's not so much an opening ceremony as my perfect alarm clock. Oh well, just think what a great way to wake up it would be... Squeamish Louise
5. I recently got my hair cut. I went from shoulder length to chin length and not nearly enough people have noticed. I therefore suggest that an additional option should be provided alongside the usual cut and blowdry. Cut, blowdry and opening ceremony. Welcome to my bob, general public. Squeamish Kate
2. Sometimes when I look back at all the crappy jobs I've had to do to earn a living and then think about how I'm actually quite a nice person, I think I should give myself a pat on the back. It's not strictly an opening ceremony but I'd like one for myself. I'd have Jarvis Cocker signing about how I hated school and wasn't cool, that in my 20s I sold shoes, booze, smoothies and jewels! Then there would be a makeshift cinema with dancing Cadbury's chocolate bars and pizza slices as the audience! It would culminate in me entering the stage on the Horniman Museum's giant overstuffed taxidermy walrus as moon jellyfish fall from the sky. Welcome to my world! Squeamish Nicola
3. I would like to invite you all to the opening of an envelope. But not just any envelope, oh no. This, my friends, is special. It is a piece of post that I didn't order off the internet, which isn't unsolicited junk mail, and happens not to be a bill. It's not even a saucy postcard. No, this is a piece of history in action - a genuine letter, written by hand in ink and on paper! Sponsored by Smythsons, the opening of my envelope will feature dancing post-boxes and a tribute to Royal Mail sorting offices around the country. F1Kate
4. Every day should have an opening ceremony! A gentle dawn chorus, added to by strings and trumpets, building to a crescendo of music. Accompanied by dancers and fire-jugglers, acrobats and a parade of dogs. While someone gently lifts me into a sitting position and brings me a tray with strong black coffee, eggs and fruit which I can consume before getting to cuddle and play with the dogs...Wait. That's not so much an opening ceremony as my perfect alarm clock. Oh well, just think what a great way to wake up it would be... Squeamish Louise
5. I recently got my hair cut. I went from shoulder length to chin length and not nearly enough people have noticed. I therefore suggest that an additional option should be provided alongside the usual cut and blowdry. Cut, blowdry and opening ceremony. Welcome to my bob, general public. Squeamish Kate
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