Dear Reader,
It has come to our attention that the open letter is once again a popular medium through which to communicate slightly personal criticisms that are entirely unsolicited. Because everything is now public, instead of the person at the receiving end usually having to petition the paper or publisher of said open letter to allow for a reply they can now turn to their Twitter feed, bringing new meaning to the saying 'a little bird told me'. We wondered if we had an open letter in us just waiting to be published. And it turned out we did, which was fortunate because it's the theme of this week's Friday 5...
It has come to our attention that the open letter is once again a popular medium through which to communicate slightly personal criticisms that are entirely unsolicited. Because everything is now public, instead of the person at the receiving end usually having to petition the paper or publisher of said open letter to allow for a reply they can now turn to their Twitter feed, bringing new meaning to the saying 'a little bird told me'. We wondered if we had an open letter in us just waiting to be published. And it turned out we did, which was fortunate because it's the theme of this week's Friday 5...
1. I write open letters to people every day in my mind.
Dear fellow commuters,
How do you expect people to get off the train if you stand right in front of the doors? You make a very effective obstacle. And once you have got onto the carriage, it would make everyone’s lives easier if you moved down into the massive spaces, instead of clustering around the doors like particularly stupid sheep. I have many suggestions for how you can make your life easier. And mine. If you got your ticket out of your bag before you reached the barriers, you wouldn't have to stop so suddenly. And I wouldn't walk into the back of you.
Ok. That's a lie. Mostly I just think "ARGH What the EFF is WRONG with people?!' and practice inventive swearing.
Love,
Squeamish Louise
2. Dear Me,
As the current open letter zeitgeist is all about exposure (of the body kind not the cold death kind) I would like to capture that in my letter to you/me. Will you please do your freakin FLY up. You're scaring the intern. It is simply not enough to pull your shorts/jeans up. Everybody else can remember this, why can't you? Right, until you can learn it's elasticated waistbands for you missy. Oh yes.
Regards,
Squeamish Kate
3. Dear Michael Gove,
You've recently said you want all schools in Great Britain to "exceed the national average". All of them. Every single one of them to do better than average. When asked to clarify you said this was possible if they all "continually improve". This shows you've got a worse understanding of basic numeracy or literacy skills than the children whose education you are threatening. Sorry overseeing.
Please will you give some serious consideration to resigning in favour of someone who understands how words or numbers work. Preferable both.
Thank you in advance.
Yours truly,
Gareth
4. Dear holiday-makers,
Learn how to use a f***ing airport before deciding to fly for your two weeks getting crispy on the Costa del Sol. See all the people in front of you in the queue who have already removed belts, jackets, and jewellery, clutching their laptops and bags of liquids? Why not take a visual cue and DO THE SODDING SAME? You're holding up the rest of us, you mouth-breathing twunts. If you can't take a visual cue, how about you take a pool cue to the face? I can think of many frequent flyers who would be more than happy to oblige.
No love,
F1Kate [Ahhh, that feels better!]
5. Dear Kinder Surprise team,
You are fools to play up to gender role stereotypes. I like my kinder eggs white orange and brown/cream on the inside. No one asked for blue and pink cliché colouring and toys that are JUST for boys and JUST for girls. That's SO been done before. You are playing into the hands of the MAN not the children. Girls like cars too - that's a fun toy, it can move. No one wants a figurine with big eyelashes - no fun. It's all about the helicopters and the one time I got a magic trick - toys for everyone!
Best wishes,
Squeamish Nicola
Dear fellow commuters,
How do you expect people to get off the train if you stand right in front of the doors? You make a very effective obstacle. And once you have got onto the carriage, it would make everyone’s lives easier if you moved down into the massive spaces, instead of clustering around the doors like particularly stupid sheep. I have many suggestions for how you can make your life easier. And mine. If you got your ticket out of your bag before you reached the barriers, you wouldn't have to stop so suddenly. And I wouldn't walk into the back of you.
Ok. That's a lie. Mostly I just think "ARGH What the EFF is WRONG with people?!' and practice inventive swearing.
Love,
Squeamish Louise
2. Dear Me,
As the current open letter zeitgeist is all about exposure (of the body kind not the cold death kind) I would like to capture that in my letter to you/me. Will you please do your freakin FLY up. You're scaring the intern. It is simply not enough to pull your shorts/jeans up. Everybody else can remember this, why can't you? Right, until you can learn it's elasticated waistbands for you missy. Oh yes.
Regards,
Squeamish Kate
3. Dear Michael Gove,
You've recently said you want all schools in Great Britain to "exceed the national average". All of them. Every single one of them to do better than average. When asked to clarify you said this was possible if they all "continually improve". This shows you've got a worse understanding of basic numeracy or literacy skills than the children whose education you are threatening. Sorry overseeing.
Please will you give some serious consideration to resigning in favour of someone who understands how words or numbers work. Preferable both.
Thank you in advance.
Yours truly,
Gareth
4. Dear holiday-makers,
Learn how to use a f***ing airport before deciding to fly for your two weeks getting crispy on the Costa del Sol. See all the people in front of you in the queue who have already removed belts, jackets, and jewellery, clutching their laptops and bags of liquids? Why not take a visual cue and DO THE SODDING SAME? You're holding up the rest of us, you mouth-breathing twunts. If you can't take a visual cue, how about you take a pool cue to the face? I can think of many frequent flyers who would be more than happy to oblige.
No love,
F1Kate [Ahhh, that feels better!]
5. Dear Kinder Surprise team,
You are fools to play up to gender role stereotypes. I like my kinder eggs white orange and brown/cream on the inside. No one asked for blue and pink cliché colouring and toys that are JUST for boys and JUST for girls. That's SO been done before. You are playing into the hands of the MAN not the children. Girls like cars too - that's a fun toy, it can move. No one wants a figurine with big eyelashes - no fun. It's all about the helicopters and the one time I got a magic trick - toys for everyone!
Best wishes,
Squeamish Nicola
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