The laughing whale. It's laughing.
This week has been a little...disappointing hasn't it? Sometimes it seems like all the wrong people are being ignored, or being chastised for their actions. Meanwhile others tattoo hideous images onto their necks (really – joke's on him, that tattoo's rubbish!), become Health Secretary and add words such as frape, amazeballs and impactful to online dictionaries.
And what can you do? Sigh? Rend your clothing? Laugh? In a bid to cheer ourselves up we decided to put together our favourite jokes. We may or may not have spent time in front of the computer screen laughing at our own jokes. But hey, if we don't laugh...WHO WILL?!
So settle down, remember it's Friday and have a read of our favourite jokes. Most importantly of all don't let the bastards get you down.
And what can you do? Sigh? Rend your clothing? Laugh? In a bid to cheer ourselves up we decided to put together our favourite jokes. We may or may not have spent time in front of the computer screen laughing at our own jokes. But hey, if we don't laugh...WHO WILL?!
So settle down, remember it's Friday and have a read of our favourite jokes. Most importantly of all don't let the bastards get you down.
1. So, picture the scene – we are in a speciality seafood restaurant, where customers can choose their dinner from the wide array of creatures swimming in the tanks, and it will be cooked freshly for them. The latest customer has made his choice, and signals to the waiter. “Are you sure that’s what you want sir? The light green squid with what appears to be a moustache? You wouldn’t rather have one of our many other delicious sea creatures?” But the customer is insistent – he has made his choice. So the waiter calls over the chef, Gervais, whose job it is to kill and prepare the food, and he lifts out the squid and puts him on the chopping board. But as he raises his knife, ready to chop, the squid looks up at him, waves his tentacles and says “Noooo! Please don’t kill me.” And Gervais can’t do it. He tells himself, come on, this is ridiculous, this is your job. But as he raises the knife, again the squid says “No! Don’t do it” and Gervais gives up. “I can’t do it” he tells the waiter. “I just can’t bring myself to kill this squid” But the customer is adamant that this is what he wants to eat. What are they going to do? The waiter has a plan – “I know, let’s get Hans who works in the kitchen to kill it. He’s really hard – he bit that rat in half the other week”. So Hans comes out and picks up the knife. But sure enough, as he raises it the squid waves his tentacles and says “Noooo, don’t kill me”. Hans puts down the knife and says “I’m sorry, I just can’t do it, I can’t kill this little squid.”
What does this prove?
Hans that does dishes can be soft as Gervais with mild green, hairy lip squid. Squeamish Louise
2. TOO MUCH CHOICE!
I have favourite jokes in every category, from the stupid Christmas cracker puns to filth so offensive it will make your soul bleed. But because the internet is a safe haven for children (please, won't *somebody* think of the children?), I am going to treat you to my favourite not-so-rude-but-still-not-all-that-polite joke du jour: Q: What's the fastest thing on dry land? A: Stevie Wonder's speedboat. F1 Kate
3. I'm more a fan of bad puns than jokes, but this one particularly tickled me when I heard it last week: Q: How many pedants does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: I think you'll find that is a Bayonet Cap rather than an Edison Screw Cap.
Incidentally I had to change the joke as it was first told to me. In the original version it asked how many pedants does it take to change a light bulb. A true pedant would point out that being a glass
structure a light bulb changes all by itself, through processes such as vitrification, so the only correct answer is zero. Gareth
4. I only know about 4 jokes. One involves hand gestures, one's a bit hazy and the other is the 'fraid not mate one. One that makes me really sad is the one about the penguin who drives into town. On the way his car starts to make a funny sound. So he takes it to the mechanic who says: "I'm very busy but I will take a look at your car, why don't you enjoy yourself, have a nice day in town and come back this afternoon." So the penguin goes round the shops, eats an ice cream and has a lovely day in town. Later he returns to the mechanic who tells him: "It looks like you've blown a seal mate" "Ohno", says the penguin, blushing and wiping his mouth, "it's just ice cream".
I just can't stand to think of the poor embarrassed penguin! His lovely day out: RUINED. Squeamish Kate
5. Q: Why do you always dream of skinheads in the bath? A: Because skinheads are looking in the window!
This is my favourite joke from one of the characters of legendary, much-missed Teletext video games magazine Digitiser; known as The Man’s Daddy. He was an odd, be-trunked figure, billed as a ‘popular comedian’ - and to the fans, he was.
Digitiser went far beyond simply being funny – it made you snort milk out your nose as you ate your morning cereal; it made your jaw drop, exclaiming ‘I can’t believe they got away with that!’. It shaped my sense of humour, and in many ways literally changed the course of my life.
Moc-moc-a-moc! Chris (creator of long-running Digitiser fan-page, Super Page 58)
What does this prove?
Hans that does dishes can be soft as Gervais with mild green, hairy lip squid. Squeamish Louise
2. TOO MUCH CHOICE!
I have favourite jokes in every category, from the stupid Christmas cracker puns to filth so offensive it will make your soul bleed. But because the internet is a safe haven for children (please, won't *somebody* think of the children?), I am going to treat you to my favourite not-so-rude-but-still-not-all-that-polite joke du jour: Q: What's the fastest thing on dry land? A: Stevie Wonder's speedboat. F1 Kate
3. I'm more a fan of bad puns than jokes, but this one particularly tickled me when I heard it last week: Q: How many pedants does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: I think you'll find that is a Bayonet Cap rather than an Edison Screw Cap.
Incidentally I had to change the joke as it was first told to me. In the original version it asked how many pedants does it take to change a light bulb. A true pedant would point out that being a glass
structure a light bulb changes all by itself, through processes such as vitrification, so the only correct answer is zero. Gareth
4. I only know about 4 jokes. One involves hand gestures, one's a bit hazy and the other is the 'fraid not mate one. One that makes me really sad is the one about the penguin who drives into town. On the way his car starts to make a funny sound. So he takes it to the mechanic who says: "I'm very busy but I will take a look at your car, why don't you enjoy yourself, have a nice day in town and come back this afternoon." So the penguin goes round the shops, eats an ice cream and has a lovely day in town. Later he returns to the mechanic who tells him: "It looks like you've blown a seal mate" "Ohno", says the penguin, blushing and wiping his mouth, "it's just ice cream".
I just can't stand to think of the poor embarrassed penguin! His lovely day out: RUINED. Squeamish Kate
5. Q: Why do you always dream of skinheads in the bath? A: Because skinheads are looking in the window!
This is my favourite joke from one of the characters of legendary, much-missed Teletext video games magazine Digitiser; known as The Man’s Daddy. He was an odd, be-trunked figure, billed as a ‘popular comedian’ - and to the fans, he was.
Digitiser went far beyond simply being funny – it made you snort milk out your nose as you ate your morning cereal; it made your jaw drop, exclaiming ‘I can’t believe they got away with that!’. It shaped my sense of humour, and in many ways literally changed the course of my life.
Moc-moc-a-moc! Chris (creator of long-running Digitiser fan-page, Super Page 58)
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