Creepiest whale yet.
Gah! Argh! Ew! Breastfeeding! Quick everybody cover your eyes/breasts! We can only deal with boobs, any notion of mammary glands grosses us out. Which is why the news that a new baby doll is on the toy market (just in time for Christmas) which encourages little parents to breast feed it is, like, totally grossing people out. Nobody is able to decide if it is “creepy or cute” for children to play 'breastfeeding' with a toy. This might give you the impression that part of the kit is a pair of comedy breasts to be strapped on to the little child before playtime suckling commences. In fact the breast milk baby kit consists of a baby doll and a rather matronly (though unpadded) cropped tabard with flower nipple pasties. Because feeding a newborn, we hear, is one of the Vital Things to do when bringing up baby is it much different from clothing and pretending to feed a baby doll? If we're going to get all creeped out and make comments on allowing children to be children about it then how come we aren't concerned with the very idea of giving under-age, nay pre-pubescent, people tiny wards to care for? Apparently we aren't going to go that deep, so instead we have come up with some more Baby doll ideas. Come on Baby, think it over.
1. had a baby doll who I named Pam, either after my swimming teacher or because she had a very smart pram and I a speech impediment. Far more unnerving than attempting simulated breastfeeding, once I began to draw in red biro a cut on her head, then realised this was many things – creepy, disturbing, odd but also indelible and the kind of thing I might be told off for because we looked after our toys in my house. I'm positive I have seen many a child proffer a lactose-free nipple to a baby doll before and I can't say I cared then, or now. In Willy Russell's book The Wrong Boy the drag Virgin Mary gives the baby Jesus suckle. Maybe we should continue on in this theme of creating realistic baby scenarios – we already have Baby-Poop-It-Out (or Baby Alive) how about Baby-Struggle-To-Get-On-Public-Transport? The baby doll screams as the child tries to hold it with one arm and fold up the huge, unwieldy pushchair before the bus goes! Race against the impatient bus driver! (batteries not included) Squeamish Kate
2. As a childless woman I am always slightly in awe of parents. The combination of sleep deprivation, poo and total responsibility for the life of another human being who can only communicate through varieties of crying is a terrifying prospect. That said, if we're thinking of dolls that teach children life skills I'd rather steer away from that sort of horrifying mundanity and teach them to do really cool things that might come in handy later in life. Such as lion taming while juggling. Squeamish Louise
3. Not being especially broody the main reason for having children, in my opinion, is to use them as cheap labour and a form of entertainment. So rather than a doll I will by buying my hypothetical children a mini bar. Not the kind you get in hotels, a bar build to child proportions. It'll teach them useful skills like how to make a proper G&T. With any luck I'd be able to get nicely sozzled before Social Services turn up. Gareth
4. What children really need is the chicken pox/stomach bug dolly! Every good parent knows inflicting your child with chicken pox at an early age is the only way to ensure a healthy adult life. So this doll would have lots of doll friends who, when placed in a group, would catch chicken pox and get all red, itchy and blotchy. If your child's the only kid without one, they feel left out at playtime! Every good parent knows that your little toddler will come down with all sorts of fleeting illness so on top of that Chicken Pox/Stomach Bug dolly would have a iffy tummy for say, oh, 24 hours after purchase and spew green vomit on its new mummy/daddy. Merry Christmas everyone! Squeamish Nicola
5. I'm not a hugely maternal soul. The mothering instinct is not one I possess, and I struggle to act age-appropriately around children. Apparently you're not supposed to swear around them, and I do my best, but... Which is why my go-to idea for a new baby doll is probably the most inappropriate idea ever. My first thought was for a 'baby destroy your sex life'. Whenever it looks like you're getting within 100 miles of getting laid, the doll starts screaming, emitting noxious fumes from the nappy area, and whatever else it is that babies do. All I know for sure is the screaming and shitting bit. F1 Kate
2. As a childless woman I am always slightly in awe of parents. The combination of sleep deprivation, poo and total responsibility for the life of another human being who can only communicate through varieties of crying is a terrifying prospect. That said, if we're thinking of dolls that teach children life skills I'd rather steer away from that sort of horrifying mundanity and teach them to do really cool things that might come in handy later in life. Such as lion taming while juggling. Squeamish Louise
3. Not being especially broody the main reason for having children, in my opinion, is to use them as cheap labour and a form of entertainment. So rather than a doll I will by buying my hypothetical children a mini bar. Not the kind you get in hotels, a bar build to child proportions. It'll teach them useful skills like how to make a proper G&T. With any luck I'd be able to get nicely sozzled before Social Services turn up. Gareth
4. What children really need is the chicken pox/stomach bug dolly! Every good parent knows inflicting your child with chicken pox at an early age is the only way to ensure a healthy adult life. So this doll would have lots of doll friends who, when placed in a group, would catch chicken pox and get all red, itchy and blotchy. If your child's the only kid without one, they feel left out at playtime! Every good parent knows that your little toddler will come down with all sorts of fleeting illness so on top of that Chicken Pox/Stomach Bug dolly would have a iffy tummy for say, oh, 24 hours after purchase and spew green vomit on its new mummy/daddy. Merry Christmas everyone! Squeamish Nicola
5. I'm not a hugely maternal soul. The mothering instinct is not one I possess, and I struggle to act age-appropriately around children. Apparently you're not supposed to swear around them, and I do my best, but... Which is why my go-to idea for a new baby doll is probably the most inappropriate idea ever. My first thought was for a 'baby destroy your sex life'. Whenever it looks like you're getting within 100 miles of getting laid, the doll starts screaming, emitting noxious fumes from the nappy area, and whatever else it is that babies do. All I know for sure is the screaming and shitting bit. F1 Kate
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