Despite Hollywood seemingly on a quest
to turn every single superhero into a movie franchise, this Friday we present five heroes who probably shouldn’t bother waiting by the phone...
Bouncing Boy
Bouncing Boy is, unsurprisingly, a boy who bounces. After accidentally drinking an experimental ‘super plastic formula’ after confusing it with a can of pop he developed the power to inflate himself and bounce off walls. His weakness is pins. And childhood obesity.
Dogwelder
Admittedly this one was created as a joke by Garth Ennis (better known for creating ‘Preacher’ and ‘The Boys’), but this list wouldn’t be complete without a superhero whose power is to weld dead puppies to criminals’ faces. Personally I think he’d be perfect for a Macdonalds Happy Meal tie-in.
Arm Fall Off Boy
Without a doubt the greatest superhero ever to exist. Arm Fall Off Boy has the ability to remove his limbs and use them as a crude makeshift club. Despite clearly being a grown adult he refers to himself as Boy and tries to join a superhero gang made up of prepubescent teens while wearing a leotard and a pink phallic helmet, probably hampering his chances of getting a multi-million film deal...
The Red Bee
The Red Bee is a district attorney who decided the best way to advance his career would be to dress up in a stripy yellow and red suit (presumably the black stripes weren’t slimming enough) and fight Nazis. He didn’t have any powers other than specially trained bees, including his favourite one, Michael, who lived in his belt buckle. Perhaps unsurprisingly his comic ended with the Nazis killing him. Maybe because he insisted on using male bees, which any good apiarist will tell you don’t have stingers.
Dazzler
Originally created by Marvel as a marketing shill for Casablanca Records, Dazzler has the ability to turn music into lasers. Wondering why she’s on this list? Well perhaps I should clarify – I don’t mean Superman style eye lasers; she turns sound into glowing laser beams like the ones you see at a school disco. The only time I can see this being a useful power for a superhero is if the world was attacked by alien invaders with epilepsy. However, I think she’d be my first choice to go to a rave with...
Gareth
to turn every single superhero into a movie franchise, this Friday we present five heroes who probably shouldn’t bother waiting by the phone...
Bouncing Boy
Bouncing Boy is, unsurprisingly, a boy who bounces. After accidentally drinking an experimental ‘super plastic formula’ after confusing it with a can of pop he developed the power to inflate himself and bounce off walls. His weakness is pins. And childhood obesity.
Dogwelder
Admittedly this one was created as a joke by Garth Ennis (better known for creating ‘Preacher’ and ‘The Boys’), but this list wouldn’t be complete without a superhero whose power is to weld dead puppies to criminals’ faces. Personally I think he’d be perfect for a Macdonalds Happy Meal tie-in.
Arm Fall Off Boy
Without a doubt the greatest superhero ever to exist. Arm Fall Off Boy has the ability to remove his limbs and use them as a crude makeshift club. Despite clearly being a grown adult he refers to himself as Boy and tries to join a superhero gang made up of prepubescent teens while wearing a leotard and a pink phallic helmet, probably hampering his chances of getting a multi-million film deal...
The Red Bee
The Red Bee is a district attorney who decided the best way to advance his career would be to dress up in a stripy yellow and red suit (presumably the black stripes weren’t slimming enough) and fight Nazis. He didn’t have any powers other than specially trained bees, including his favourite one, Michael, who lived in his belt buckle. Perhaps unsurprisingly his comic ended with the Nazis killing him. Maybe because he insisted on using male bees, which any good apiarist will tell you don’t have stingers.
Dazzler
Originally created by Marvel as a marketing shill for Casablanca Records, Dazzler has the ability to turn music into lasers. Wondering why she’s on this list? Well perhaps I should clarify – I don’t mean Superman style eye lasers; she turns sound into glowing laser beams like the ones you see at a school disco. The only time I can see this being a useful power for a superhero is if the world was attacked by alien invaders with epilepsy. However, I think she’d be my first choice to go to a rave with...
Gareth
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