Whether or not you’re interested in fashion, regardless of how much you hate or love shopping, everybody has done this at least once in their life. I think you know what I’m building up to. Allow me to paint a picture – you’re shopping, you idly flip through the racks and there it is. That item. That piece of clothing you know will change your life. This, this is the cloth that will finally allow you to realise your potential. This is soooooo you. It’s daring, it’s dynamic, it’s flattering. From now on, everything's going to be different.
Then you get it home. You hang it up (or it goes on the floordrobe – I don’t know how you live) and you never wear it again. Sometimes you look at it with scorn usually reserved for ex partners. I can’t believe I ever even liked you. Then there are wistful moments. We can make this work! Tonight’s the night I wear you! My friends, you are never going to wear this. Yet you cannot quite bring yourself to part with it. Or show it to anybody. This is a languishing wardrobe item…
Then you get it home. You hang it up (or it goes on the floordrobe – I don’t know how you live) and you never wear it again. Sometimes you look at it with scorn usually reserved for ex partners. I can’t believe I ever even liked you. Then there are wistful moments. We can make this work! Tonight’s the night I wear you! My friends, you are never going to wear this. Yet you cannot quite bring yourself to part with it. Or show it to anybody. This is a languishing wardrobe item…
1. A Fantastic Jumper - The item of clothing I get the least use out of is this fantastic jumper. I’ve had the hat and scarf since I was 5 and had a matching jumper, which I outgrew some decades ago. A few years back I noticed a man in a pub wearing an adult sized version and badger/bribed him into giving it to me (I was slightly tipsy when this occurred). I don’t get to wear the jumper nearly as much as I’d like as for some reason Louise isn’t excited by the idea of being married to someone who looks like a kid’s TV presenter.
Gareth
Gareth
2. Irish Guard's tunic - I have an Irish Guard's tunic - you know, the big red kind as worn by The Libertines (and the Irish Guard). I have worn it out a total of once, 5 years ago. Also it's actually quite thick, so isn't something you'd wear on a night out anyway, even if it was less outlandish.
Squeamish Chris
Squeamish Chris
3. Shirt/cape - Well, charity shop finds are just the best aren’t they? You discover really interesting pieces like that first Kate Moss collection dress from 5 years ago (in the wrong size) or things from Primark that are actually labelled at twice their original price. Oh wait, what’s this? It’s eccentric! It’s smart! It is the most well-tailored garment I have ever seen (so no alterations, oh no) and it’s only one size too big AND it’s a friggin’ fiver! White, blue pinstriped shirt cape you had me at ‘experimental fashion’! So what if I can’t wear you with a jacket? So what if I can’t wear a handbag over my arm – I’ll buy a clutch just so I can justify owning you! The occasion I envision wearing this masterpiece from the Balham British Heart Foundation shop is at the opening night of my first exhibition, a night that screams for a look that says smart-casual/bat-shit wing sleeve crazy. I’ll have obviously grown at least 2 inches taller by then and look fabulous in my shirt cape.
Squeamish Nicola
Squeamish Nicola
FYI I did not buy these from Squeamish Nicola
5. Platforms - I think I have mentioned my fondness for sequins, gold and generally the kind of clothing that wouldn’t look out of place on the set of Dynasty before. I also try to maintain my policy that if you save it for best you will never wear it. This means the floordrobe is stuffed with sequinned cardigans (which I wear), blue sequinned leggings (worn once) and gold lamé dresses (worn never). The thing is I believe I will wear these; it’s just a matter of time and occasion. I love everything in my wardrobe, this pair of shoes however, are unlikely to see the light of day simply because I fear for the integrity of my ankles should I leave the house in them. I enjoy the fact they easily bring me up to the giddy height of 5'5, great for reaching things but negotiating pavements and hills in them might have me eating concrete. They were only 8 quid though. 8 quid!
Squeamish Kate
Squeamish Kate
5. A Bum bag - What's black, plastic, costs £10 and looks as appealing as dirt? Well the 'Hip Pouch' I purchased from an outdoorsy type sports shop. This was bought out of necessity. I needed somewhere safe to keep my passport and cash while I strolled around Thailand. My flimsy leather patchwork bag with tooth-floss thin strap had got a shake of the head from Pete my best friend. Then his girlfriend Cat then told me of at least 3 holiday muggings her friends had been the victims of. This brought my thoughts back to the good old 'Bum bag'. Safe, secure and ugly, but not as ugly as its American name 'Fanny Pack'. I was running out of time and as there was no Primark I could get to on my lunch break I parted with my newly earned Velvet Platform shoes money (I sold on yet another one of my ill thought out purchases) to buy the overpriced zippered lump. It has been reinvented as a 'Hip Pouch' meaning you wear it to the side making it totally not a bum bag. Hmm. I'm not convinced on the name or if I'll get £10 worth of use out of it after my holiday.
Squeamish Nicola
Squeamish Nicola
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