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Egging on Fertility 

20/12/2012

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Image: Brenda Gottsabend
I know the current rule of the week for bloggers is to list the things you should do today before the world ends on Friday the 21st. If it does end. Suddenly. As the Mayans allegedly predicted. I can't imagine the Mayan calendar got it wrong – I mean, it's set in stone after all (har-har je ne regrette rien). But just in case the world doesn't end tomorrow (which it won't, but it might) and you're still on the look out for that perfect Christmas gift then boy do I have the blog post for you my friend.

It's the perfect present to give OR receive. Provided you're either a dad with ambitions of grandparentdom or a young lady on the brink of infertility and wizenedom. By which I mean around the age of 21. Who can say no to More Time?

Which is exactly what Dr Gillian Lockwood of the Midland Fertility Centre is suggesting fathers give their daughters as a graduation (or Christmas! For our purposes let's paraphrase and say she meant Christmas) present. But how? Where can I get such a thing? Well dear reader, Dr Lockwood proposes you get it in the form of frozen eggs.

In light of the rise in average age women are giving birth at from 24 (in 1962) to 31 today (I'd cite these statistics, but 1. I got them from the Daily Mail and 2. It could all end tomorrow so who's going to be pernickety about facts?) Dr Lockwood is afraid that we are not getting the best of our ovaries. Dr Lockwood suggests egg freezing “should be every dad’s graduation present for his daughter. It would be a very safe, low dose, and you could have 20 beautiful eggs in the freezer.”
It can't be a surprise gift, mind. The egg freezing process involves an ultrasound to check there are enough quality eggs, blood tests, injections, vagina probes, more needles yadda-yadda. It's basically a faff. But a faff of love. Perhaps you can present daughters with a home made voucher or certificate with a picture of a smiling woman holding a large clock. Or a weeping women holding a clock. I know those are the stock images for fertility stories/vouchers. 

There's potential for hilarious farces featuring ice cream and ice eggs mix ups

If, as young women, we are harvested in time we could add to the 12 children in the UK who have been born from frozen eggs. Imagine, no fretting over our crumbling ovaries, informing concerned relatives that your best eggs are in the freezer, potential for hilarious farces featuring ice cream and ice eggs mix ups.

Dr Lockwood is aware there's a catch though, the security of knowing your good eggs are locked up somewhere in the Midlands could have adverse side-effects: “Well, instead of having a family with Mr Not Quite Perfect, I can afford to wait for Mr Absolutely perfect”

Nothing says both 'Christmas' and 'I love you' like 'hurry up and make babies!'. Good babies, not babies from old eggs. Birdseye babies. And don't wait around for someone you're compatible with, just go out and sing that Carly Rae Jepsen song, “call me maybe, I've got eggs to thaw!”.

Not to be a Debbie Downer but Dr Magdy Asaad, who is the clinical director of the London Fertility Centre, would like to point out the chance of getting a baby from a frozen egg is around 1 to 3% for each egg. In addition only 8 out of 10 eggs survive the thawing process.

Are we ever going to stop with the fertility alarm bells? It is as though the fertility clock is a real thing and the general public are getting fed up of your tick tock, tick tock sounds. However, even more annoying to the general public, than the ticking of an ovary themed novelty clock, are the women who are happy for that clock to wind down. Guys, they aren't even hitting the snooze button of this tortured metaphor, no sir. What I am saying is there are some women out there who aren't maternal and have no intention of spawning.

Fathers, maybe just get your daughter a laptop instead.

Squeamish Kate

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