Image: Mark Roy
Squeamish Sue is handling being a mature student just fine, in fact she's getting top marks. It's real life that she's struggling to navigate, and nudist etiquette.
Ask anyone. They will confirm that my IT skills leave a lot to be desired. I am not called dinosaur for nothing, my ability not to grasp what to everyone else is, in the words of John Cleese, the bleedin’ obvious, is to die for. All the more reason for me to delight in getting a distinction in my IT exam! It essentially entailed using Word 2010 (can I product place?) to the best of its capabilities, but nonetheless I was still very pleased since its capabilities are extensive. The next phase of the exam will be Internet skills, so I won’t hold my breath.
Mock maths exams on Monday. Oh joy. We have been learning about ratios, seven parts gin to one part tonic is a good practical example. And probability theories. Probably the best lager in the world, that kind of thing. That bit I understand. However If you have six different pairs of socks in a sack, how many socks do you have to remove to be sure of getting a matching pair? Unless the sack is transparent, I have absolutely no idea!
Ask anyone. They will confirm that my IT skills leave a lot to be desired. I am not called dinosaur for nothing, my ability not to grasp what to everyone else is, in the words of John Cleese, the bleedin’ obvious, is to die for. All the more reason for me to delight in getting a distinction in my IT exam! It essentially entailed using Word 2010 (can I product place?) to the best of its capabilities, but nonetheless I was still very pleased since its capabilities are extensive. The next phase of the exam will be Internet skills, so I won’t hold my breath.
Mock maths exams on Monday. Oh joy. We have been learning about ratios, seven parts gin to one part tonic is a good practical example. And probability theories. Probably the best lager in the world, that kind of thing. That bit I understand. However If you have six different pairs of socks in a sack, how many socks do you have to remove to be sure of getting a matching pair? Unless the sack is transparent, I have absolutely no idea!
I had a Kinder Egg for Christmas; inside was an aeroplane which we put together and flew down the corridor at college on the pretence of doing a practical probability study, a bit like tossing a coin or throwing a dice. Would it land? Would it crash? The anticipation was almost too much, but on the third attempt it landed in the recycling bin, ably assisted by a spotty oik from the overseas learning department. Ah well, nothing ventured…
One of my friends was unlucky enough to be in hospital over Christmas, so as a treat I cooked them a Christmas dinner on Friday night. I made my husband get the tree out of the loft (amidst mutterings of, ‘why do you think I installed a loft ladder?’), and found a shop that still had some Christmas Crackers left.
Both Jamie and Delia were helping me in the kitchen, with the result that I got a bit muddled. Jamie said turn the oven up to 290 degrees to start with, which is all very well if your oven happens to be clean, but when it’s not quite so pristine (and yet to be cleaned from the previous Christmas dinner it cooked) then it is a recipe for a smoked filled kitchen, which doesn’t appear in any of his books. Delia said make giblet gravy and simmer it for three hours with celery and peppercorns. My student budget stretched to a £7 fresh chicken from Morrison’s which I realised once I got it home, was gibletless!
If that weren’t enough, the greenery I picked from the garden to make a table decoration, once in the warmth of the dining room, emanated Eau De Pee Pee de Chat! – that’s cat piss to you and me. However, the burnt smell from the oven soon overrode that one, and we had a good night with champagne and then grappa drunk from shot glasses made from ice.
Both Jamie and Delia were helping me in the kitchen, with the result that I got a bit muddled. Jamie said turn the oven up to 290 degrees to start with, which is all very well if your oven happens to be clean, but when it’s not quite so pristine (and yet to be cleaned from the previous Christmas dinner it cooked) then it is a recipe for a smoked filled kitchen, which doesn’t appear in any of his books. Delia said make giblet gravy and simmer it for three hours with celery and peppercorns. My student budget stretched to a £7 fresh chicken from Morrison’s which I realised once I got it home, was gibletless!
If that weren’t enough, the greenery I picked from the garden to make a table decoration, once in the warmth of the dining room, emanated Eau De Pee Pee de Chat! – that’s cat piss to you and me. However, the burnt smell from the oven soon overrode that one, and we had a good night with champagne and then grappa drunk from shot glasses made from ice.
In an attempt to get back into shape (I’ll have you know round IS a shape!) my friends and I have started swimming on a Wednesday night, last Wednesday being the first (and possibly the last). Linda said ‘meet you there at 5pm’, so off I go armed with cossie and goggles. When I get there, the pool, which can be hired privately, is already occupied by a complete stranger. She was reluctant to relinquish her hold on it, claiming she was told it was hers until 5.30. Some discussion ensued, and we compromised (like I had a choice – she was going nowhere fast) by agreeing she could stay in for another 15 minutes until my friends turned up, but that I would get in the water and share her hijacked session with her.
She asked; ‘were my friends men?’ ‘No’ I replied, as I started climbing down the steps. It was exactly at this point I realised that both she and her son were completely naked! Can you believe it?! What should I do? Do I pretend to have forgotten something and get back out again quick? Do I take off my own costume so as to appear as one with the stranger? Do I pretend I haven’t noticed? Come on girls, for goodness sake get here! But no, as luck would have it, they don’t turn up for another half an hour, leaving me to be entertained by a very large naked polish lady and her son. Playing water volleyball. On the positive side though, I now know the polish for ‘catch’.
She asked; ‘were my friends men?’ ‘No’ I replied, as I started climbing down the steps. It was exactly at this point I realised that both she and her son were completely naked! Can you believe it?! What should I do? Do I pretend to have forgotten something and get back out again quick? Do I take off my own costume so as to appear as one with the stranger? Do I pretend I haven’t noticed? Come on girls, for goodness sake get here! But no, as luck would have it, they don’t turn up for another half an hour, leaving me to be entertained by a very large naked polish lady and her son. Playing water volleyball. On the positive side though, I now know the polish for ‘catch’.
Assignment results are in again. In addition to my IT, I also managed a distinction in History and Sociology. The English rehearsals paid off as I got a distinction for that assignment too. I am very pleased with all the results thus far, though it does rather set a precedent for future efforts and I am in that ‘overwhelmed’ stage at the moment as there is always so much to do. No sooner has one round of assignments been done and dusted than another shed load appears and often before the previous lot are even finished!
As a bit of light relief we all went to the pub on Saturday night, but it was rather early when we got there (5pm in fact to be precise) and no one had eaten, so we soon degenerated into a rather loud rabble around a glass laden table. My son was with us – let’s all go back to ours say he, I will play and sing for you. Seemed like a good idea; Tesco were doing two pizzas for 99p which was even better.
We stocked up with supplies on the stagger home, rearranged the furniture to accommodate everyone and settled down to be entertained. One of our number didn’t include herself in the inner sanctum, preferring instead to remain on the periphery of proceedings. Another of our number couldn’t understand why this was, and thought her rather standoffish. We didn’t enlighten him as it would have spoilt our fun, but in reality she could only move as close as her electrical cord would allow, because she was plugged into a socket on the wall. She had one of those heat pads, which I guess she must carry around with her.
She’d suffered a whiplash injury, and so continued to join in from the distant corner of the room, which meant that every time she spoke we all had to turn round. I’m surprised we didn’t all end up with a crick in the neck to be honest. The puzzled expression on Kev’s face when we offered an extension lead was a picture, he had no idea what was going on. I guess you had to be there really, but we had to do something to amuse ourselves, as the musician got a better offer and never showed.
Half term, and then exams are just around the corner, and I still don’t have a decent pair of specs. I won’t bore you with the detail save to say I now have a full refund for my trouble and am back to square one. Will be a perfect excuse should I do badly.
Squeamish Sue
As a bit of light relief we all went to the pub on Saturday night, but it was rather early when we got there (5pm in fact to be precise) and no one had eaten, so we soon degenerated into a rather loud rabble around a glass laden table. My son was with us – let’s all go back to ours say he, I will play and sing for you. Seemed like a good idea; Tesco were doing two pizzas for 99p which was even better.
We stocked up with supplies on the stagger home, rearranged the furniture to accommodate everyone and settled down to be entertained. One of our number didn’t include herself in the inner sanctum, preferring instead to remain on the periphery of proceedings. Another of our number couldn’t understand why this was, and thought her rather standoffish. We didn’t enlighten him as it would have spoilt our fun, but in reality she could only move as close as her electrical cord would allow, because she was plugged into a socket on the wall. She had one of those heat pads, which I guess she must carry around with her.
She’d suffered a whiplash injury, and so continued to join in from the distant corner of the room, which meant that every time she spoke we all had to turn round. I’m surprised we didn’t all end up with a crick in the neck to be honest. The puzzled expression on Kev’s face when we offered an extension lead was a picture, he had no idea what was going on. I guess you had to be there really, but we had to do something to amuse ourselves, as the musician got a better offer and never showed.
Half term, and then exams are just around the corner, and I still don’t have a decent pair of specs. I won’t bore you with the detail save to say I now have a full refund for my trouble and am back to square one. Will be a perfect excuse should I do badly.
Squeamish Sue
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