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Band of Singletons

1/9/2013

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I am not surprised that it's been suggested single people wear a wristband. I am surprised it has taken so long. I suppose people figured we'd identify each other by the wild, searching look in our eyes. 

Of course the slant on this press release has been negative. Because in spite of mysingleworld.com insisting that "identifiable singles are more attractive" your first thought is 'no self respecting single person is going to want to advertise the fact they are single' (only in typing that sentence out did I realise the nonsensicalness of that) and the, not whiff, but jangling of desperation via accessories is not attractive. I'm not much of a wristband person anyway.

It's as though someone wondered how to condense all the awkwardness and neediness of an attention grabbing, upper arm wobbling, frantic hand movement wave - HI! KATE! HI! KATE?! HI! Into an accessory. So that instead of people identifying me as "oh, the one with the unbrushed hair?" they can say "oh, the single one? Yeah I've... I've seen her."

Another site has decided singletons (ugh) deserve the right to be picky (in spite of friends in gosh-awful relationships informing us we're too picky), indeed somewhat snobbish. Loveflutter doesn't want you to be bored on a date. You have to take a test to check you are interesting enough to be allowed to even peruse the site, let alone sit opposite a member in an obscure micro-brewery gastro-pub they 'discovered', holding your knife like a pencil. 

QuestionsLoveflutter use to divide the dull from the delightful range from the slightly classist: 'Have you been out the country in the last 6 months?' to the daring 'have you done what you would consider a bungee or parachute jump?' I don't know if I want to meet with someone unclear as to what these are - did you bungee jump or not? While not worrying about disqualifying those who can't afford a holiday Loveflutter seem to err on the side of caution when it comes to to penalising those who get a rush getting up from a chair too fast.
Fortunately, thanks to recorded evidence of a sky dive I got 70 out of 100 (I lost points 'cos I'd rather watch a comedy than a documentary after a hard day's work) and have been deemed a colourful and interesting character. But this knowledge does not erase the fact I took said test and that singles are expected to do such things to prove themselves good enough. 

I believe it was Jackie in That 70s Show who said: "I already love myself I just want to french somebody." 

To be a single woman is to relinquish your business to everybody else. Hi all the single mothers, we all just popped in to check that you're doing parenting right. Which you aren't. Because you're single. Oh, you got a new boyfriend? Well you're still doing it wrong. You're a terrible judge of character. 

Single and barren? Oh gosh. I expect that's why you have all those shoes. Too bad you have no one to wear them for, but the sound of yourself clarting about in your expensive heels probably covers up the deafening absence of the patter of tiny feet, no? Tick tock. 

Express the thought you are OK about being single and you're a pessimist, say you'd like to meet someone and you'll be informed this time to yourself is precious. But sometimes it isn't about growth or loving yourself enough for someone else to want to love you. I believe it was Jackie in That 70s Show who said: "Donna, I already love myself I just want to french somebody." 

I am so beyond single now though that I no longer experience any joy, when walking in the opposite direction to a couple on the street, in forcing them to part momentarily as I feign an inability to step to one side. That's just habit. BWAHAHA.* But while I'm OK with being single as part of my current identity, I'm not OK with it being assumed other people's business.  

I will say though...thisboyfriend pillow looks mighty comfortable. 

*Seriously, does anybody else do this? Please contact me if you do, I'm thinking about starting up a support group.  

Squeamish Kate
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