Image: Pascal The noble How-to has been about since the dawn of time. Or at least since the dawn of writing. Or at least since the dawn of print. It's been around a long time now. It's lasted millennia/centuries because there is no end of things people need instruction on. Also the terrible revelation of your 30s (uh, so I hear) is that you realise nobody really knows quite what they're doing and having a definitive guide to ignore brings comfort and a warm glow. The How-to can range from how to make a cake, to how to put shelves up to how to be a human. YES. Our insecurity knows no bounds it seems and Country Life knows this. Hence the publications of its rules for men in the wake of its new Gentleman of the Year Award.
A truly modern gentleman needs to brush up on his yoga skills because he always makes love on his elbows. He must always be on time, eat what is in front of him (we assume this only applies to food, never flower arrangements. As any gentleman knows - to eat the centrepiece is to never be invited back) whilst desiring plain dishes such as shepherd's pie and omelette.
A gentleman is on time, considerate of the financial situation of others and his word is his bond. In fact it appears the gentlemanly do's match up (bar the Shepherd's pie thing. Shepherd's pie is disgusting) to what some might call a decent human being, gentleman or no.
So let's look at the Gentlemanly Don'ts. Oh gentleman you must never, ever, ever drink Malibu. Or wear a pre-tied bow-tie. You must resist your urge to plant Gladioli and sell your cat. Any Lycra in your wardrobe must be purged and those fuchsia trousers have got to go. As must any notion of hair product.
A gentleman is on time, considerate of the financial situation of others and his word is his bond. In fact it appears the gentlemanly do's match up (bar the Shepherd's pie thing. Shepherd's pie is disgusting) to what some might call a decent human being, gentleman or no.
So let's look at the Gentlemanly Don'ts. Oh gentleman you must never, ever, ever drink Malibu. Or wear a pre-tied bow-tie. You must resist your urge to plant Gladioli and sell your cat. Any Lycra in your wardrobe must be purged and those fuchsia trousers have got to go. As must any notion of hair product.
| Unless you have an aversion to Shepherd's pie, a craving for Malibu or very sensitive elbows this gentlemanly list is all very doable. A general treat others as you wish to be treated. Promptly. Whilst wearing rather sober clothes. | this list appears to forbid ladies to hail from Essex or work in the fashion department of any magazine |
The Telegraph has decided that women probably could do with a guide to life as well - equal opportunities and that. And oh women...are you ever doing it wrong.
First of all you are not women but ladies. And ladies never say: "'Shut uuup' when incredulous, ever 'style it out' or refer to 'a jean' even parodically. She would never be crass enough to deploy the popular modern banality that is 'work colleague' and continues to find the word 'toilet' rather appalling. Judicious swearing is perfectly acceptable, the phrase: 'Pardon my French' is not."
The tongue in cheekness of this list has not passed me by. However while the critique of male hair products in the modern gentleman list belies a certain teasing of young male grooming, spraying Lynx down his trousers and gelling his hair into spikes or curtains (welcome back The 90s), this list appears to forbid ladies to hail from Essex or work in the fashion department of any magazine. That's a lot of disqualified ladies. Also, for what it's worth... toilet, toilet, toilet.
Next up are lady table manners: "A lady eats and drinks. She does not bore on about her dietary or health regime, or engage in competitively self-deprecating 'fat talk'. If she does happen to be endeavouring to lose weight, she will have the grace to keep this to herself and behave normally."
It's hard to work out how we can possibly laugh at disordered eating - or why we would want to. In the lady world one is simply on a diet or not on a diet and there is no loss of control. Any discussion over dissatisfaction of her body is merely fat talk and her fault, not society's. Yes talk of a diet is a little dull, this is true. However perhaps a lady does not hold herself up to unrealistic photoshopped images in Vogue magazine would be more becoming of an instructive lady list.
A lady doesn't wear too much or too little make up. A lady does not wear ridiculous, joyful shoes. A lady does not care for pink in her interior design. In fact a lady does not have any bloody fun - free though she apparently is of any eating anxiety.
Of course we all know that a lady is a person who identifies as a lady. And a gentleman is anyone who identifies as a gentleman. And you can make your own rules up.
TOILET!
Squeamish Kate
First of all you are not women but ladies. And ladies never say: "'Shut uuup' when incredulous, ever 'style it out' or refer to 'a jean' even parodically. She would never be crass enough to deploy the popular modern banality that is 'work colleague' and continues to find the word 'toilet' rather appalling. Judicious swearing is perfectly acceptable, the phrase: 'Pardon my French' is not."
The tongue in cheekness of this list has not passed me by. However while the critique of male hair products in the modern gentleman list belies a certain teasing of young male grooming, spraying Lynx down his trousers and gelling his hair into spikes or curtains (welcome back The 90s), this list appears to forbid ladies to hail from Essex or work in the fashion department of any magazine. That's a lot of disqualified ladies. Also, for what it's worth... toilet, toilet, toilet.
Next up are lady table manners: "A lady eats and drinks. She does not bore on about her dietary or health regime, or engage in competitively self-deprecating 'fat talk'. If she does happen to be endeavouring to lose weight, she will have the grace to keep this to herself and behave normally."
It's hard to work out how we can possibly laugh at disordered eating - or why we would want to. In the lady world one is simply on a diet or not on a diet and there is no loss of control. Any discussion over dissatisfaction of her body is merely fat talk and her fault, not society's. Yes talk of a diet is a little dull, this is true. However perhaps a lady does not hold herself up to unrealistic photoshopped images in Vogue magazine would be more becoming of an instructive lady list.
A lady doesn't wear too much or too little make up. A lady does not wear ridiculous, joyful shoes. A lady does not care for pink in her interior design. In fact a lady does not have any bloody fun - free though she apparently is of any eating anxiety.
Of course we all know that a lady is a person who identifies as a lady. And a gentleman is anyone who identifies as a gentleman. And you can make your own rules up.
TOILET!
Squeamish Kate
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