I think I am not alone when I say that: When I think of the zoo I think of the buttock-clenchingly embarrassing time my sister and I bought my dad CDs for his birthday. We scoured HMV for Harvey Andrews, Led Zeppelin (who's he?) and Tom Paxton. That birthday was a day of discovery. Led Zepp was a band, my dad had super eclectic taste in music and an adult had recorded, on an adult album, the song Going to the Zoo.

Last Friday I was going to the zoo (zoo, zoo) for the last Zoo Lates on this year at London Zoo. Oh I had read so much about this event 'you will be greeted by an anteater!' I was told (by the press, who I planned to hold responsible for my actions if I was not greeted by an anteater), 'You can watch them feed the pygmy hippos - and the hippos demand the food is put directly in their mouth!'  I was told by Squeamish Louise, who seems to have had more influence than I'd like on my after school activities as it were.  'I didn't see the lions last time' said my friend Eileen.

Any fan of Poirot, courtesan history or 1920s buff would be horrified to realise a case such as that of Princess Fahmy Bey had passed them by. Centring on a French courtesan turned princess who shot her Egyptian prince husband at the Savoy, it is the mystery of the 3 shots and the not guilty verdict. it smacks of Agatha Christie at her most lavish.

Channel 4's documentary Edward VIII's Murderous Mistress (rather like The Spice Girls you have to nickname them all to tell them apart, Murderous Mistress, Married Mistress, Divorced Mistress...) lifted the lid on both the playboy prince's sexual preferences (let's just say from Wallis Simpson's fondness for exacting neatness and scolding letters she might have been nicknamed Mrs. Grey had she lived now) and the lengths the establishment will go to to avoid scandal. Making you wonder if public nudity is the least of Harry's misdemeanours.

There are a few things I would never do – I would never bungee jump for instance. Nor would I go on a hike (not for fun anyway. Sickos). I most definitely would not enter a beauty contest. Not just because I am well ensconced in my 20s and therefore 'too old' but when I came of beauty queen age it was the 2000s, unfashionable, my personal politics didn't match up and I had a mild case of The Acne. Colour me a little red and DISQUALIFIED. 

In Monday night's Wonderland I Was Once a Beauty Queen Hannah Berryman interviewed former beauty queens from the days when the BBC still broadcast the pageants. 30 years has passed since such pageants were broadcast with a straight face. Now child beauty pageants are presented as freak shows of pushy moms and lacquered brats. Poise and a lovely laugh can go do one, tantruming toddlers in tiaras is where it's at now in the world of pageantry.