Oh Disney, Disney, Disney. When Brave came out it was rather exciting to see the first kickass heroine since Mulan beating the boys at their own game. Merida was that rare thing, a proper Disney tomboy, not beautiful but bookish like uh, Beauty in Beauty and the Beast or dying to be trussed up like a sparkly turkey like Cinderella, being kept on her toes by a handsome prince who - like a Strictly Come Dancing judge - was swept away by her dance moves. She didn't slyly seduce royalty by feigning a coma. We don't know who came up with that one first Snow White or Sleeping Beauty but ladies, it's peculiar behaviour.
 
No, we were over all that weren't we Disney? Sigh, apparently not. Concerned little children wouldn't waste their pester power on a proper-as-seen-on-the-silver-screen Merida Disney have modified her. Nipping in her waist, combing her gorgeous hair and soppifying her expression until she is no longer Merida but Mewida, Pwincess of Scotland. I bet she even pronounces Edinburgh 'Edinboro'. In response (because we're reactive like that) we have suggested some make overs for the male Disney characters to make them more appealing.

It is what separates us from the animals. Magazine reading. How would we be able to signal our lifestyle, or lifestyle aspirations, to our fellow commuters or local newsagent if we didn't purchase the occasional copy of Vanity Fair. But sometimes we are constricted in our choice by the powers what be at WHSmiths or Tesco et al because no matter how many times these companies recieve a tweet with a damning photo and the hashtag #everydaysexism they continue to divide magazines into Men's Interest and Women's Interest. In spite of the fact many women like science and motorcycles, while there are men interested in celebrity gossip and beauty tips. What can we say? Newsagents love a binary.
 
So, in the interest of having clear interests well marked and defined we have come up with some new categories for shops to latch on to.

With Churchill set to replace social reformer Elizabeth Fry on the nation's fivers when the next set of bank notes is issued in 2016, the queen will be the only woman left on our paper money. (Which presumably means that if Charles becomes King before then, our notes will be a total sausage-fest...). It's not the first time a lady on our cash has been bumped off. The lady with the lamp, Florence Nightingale was replaced by Charles Darwin on the ten pound note so Elizabeth Fry, Quaker and social reformer is all we have representing the ladies right now.

This got us thinking about which faces we'd like to see staring back at us when we visit the cash machine or wince as we pay for a round.

Teen magazines. Once a young adult book couldn't be finished without a bored teen 'flipping through magazines', now today's teenager would raise their eyes from their iPad and exclaim sarcastically yet innocently 'they flipped through what now?' The very notion of turning pages increasingly alien to them.

As More! Magazine closes its doors/pages for the last time the papers are a-buzz with the head-shaking told you so lesson that people simply go online nowadays. Celebrity gossip, bitchery and opinion can all be got online. But that, as we recall, is not what the noble teen magazine was about. In the days of dial up it was still princess of guidance and affordable fashion. Today we share what we learned from teen magazines...

Were we the types to do word clouds (which we totally know how to do but simply choose not to) it occurred to us that the stand out word this month might be 'bra'. Now hush, we aren't proud or nothing...OK maybe a little but we realised that there aren't many good pieces of slang for bras. Which is peculiar, seeing as their content has all kinds of slang that Squeamish Kate throws about semi-offensively. Baps, tits, boobies, puppies. So why no bra slang? Think about it, it is always bra, bra, bra. Unless we're feeling fancy and then it's brassiere. Ooh, so continental. Or if you're reading Germaine Greer on the subject of horse riding where she acknowledges a need for “boulder holders.” Because we hate repetition over here, or like to give the impression we do, we endeavoured to come up with some slang for bra. Use it, abuse it, suggest some more... 

Waxing brand Nads have been busy, it's not all mixing up huge sticky vats of wax for people to painfully style their hair down there as they wish. No, Nads employees have been out and about surveying people! Specifically heterosexual men, who they have been quizzing about women's pubic hair.

Just 12% 'admitted' to liking what is called The Hollywood (all off) and 43% said they preferred a natural triangle (apparently you have to request the Bermuda Triangle if you go to a professional). 17% care for the Brazilian or Landing Strip style and a creative 15% like the 'heart-breaker' where the pubic hair is shaped into a heart.

An Essex dwelling Mr Daniel Smith (27) told Nads: "I like it interesting - like unwrapping a present and finding a surprise, I do prefer some hair so a design like the landing strip or heart shape is good for me..." To keep things interesting for all the Daniel Smiths out there we have come up with some new pubic hair styles to surprise...

Iain Duncan Smith kicked this week off with a claim that obviously he could live on 53 pounds a week. Come on, once you've taken advantage of the subsidised food and drink at Parliament, rented out a few of your eight spare rooms and flogged a few family heirlooms you're laughing all the way to the bank. Oddly, he's been reluctant to prove his claim, no matter how many people sign their names to say they think it's a good idea. And it's not as if he'd be the first - Matthew Parris famously tried and failed to live on 26.80 pounds in the '80s. Perhaps IDS was making an ill-thought out April Fool's joke and is too embarrassed to own up. Or maybe he's right and it would only be a 'stunt' to live on the same amount as some of his constituents for a limited amount of time. That got us thinking - obviously these kind of restrictions would need to be implemented for as long as an MP is in power. So if we could set some new rules for politicians, what would they be?

Hurrah! Not only is it Friday but we have a long weekend ahead of us. Ah an extra day over what is usually a dairy heavy weekend of celebration. You probably have plans to give and receive egg-shaped chocolate, or carob if you are so inclined. There is also the probability that you plan to go out and about. At night. In the dark. To places that sell alcohol.

Perhaps you go to these places to meet new people or maybe your plan is purely to scheme evil schemes with your comrades over a pint of real ale. Unfortunately either plan can be interrupted by that most persistent of creatures, the slimy git. They live in a world where no means 'probably, why don't you continue on your charm offensive and see how it goes...' to shake them off is tough, but it can be done. We share our tips.

Of course nothing beats the greatest tip of all... don't be a slimy git.

The mantra has many definitions but in the western world when we say 'mantra' we mean a calming group of words. They can have a message or just be something you can parrot to yourself that makes you feel soothed in times of high anxiety. That's why so many multi-millionaire celebrities have mantras tattooed on their skin. Angelina Jolie, Rihanna, Demi Lovato and Johnny Depp have all inked a calming memo to themselves on their bodies. Which is very kind because it means each time they get papped we learn something... These celebrities are deep, man.

When the theme for this week was sent out the expected response was one of cynicism. “I don't have a mantra and here's why...” But as it happens we are a bunch of mantra riddled mutterers with tried and tested go-to mantras. Who knew we were so darn mystical. So next time you see one of the Squeamish team wandering the streets and muttering to themselves worry not, they're probably just using their mantras.

All the women's magazines are doing it, Louise Mensch is doing it, S&BJ day focuses entirely upon it and so we thought we should get in on this revolutionary action too. Yes, it's true. We have taken that path and started to wonder how best to please men. For some it's a case of bloody steak after women got all the attention on Valentine's Day. For those of the Tory persuasion it is a simply case of knowing when you're too old to reveal your knees. Mass publications continue to be baffled.

What is the secret to keeping the (allegedly) hairier sex happy? How can we possibly find out what makes the former residents of Mars tick? We have decided to investigate this – in the traditional list format favoured upon this day and by women's magazines when dealing with such tricky subjects. We know this much – it's certainly not a case of just talking to them. Get ready, prepare yourself for becoming irresistible...